Eye Doctor Rant

I had an eye doctor appointment tonight, which is always fun for me.

Before I even had a blog, I was thinking about the things I wanted to write about every time I go to the eye doctor. I don't know if it's me, the doctor (I had never been to the eye doctor without my mom before this one, so I didn't really pay attention), or if the eye doctor is just not my thing. But every time I go, I am so glad when I leave and I can't believe what went down while I was there.

First, let me set the tone. I am probably to the point where without my contacts I am legally blind. I am far beyond seeing the big "E." That came and went over ten years ago.

When they make me take my contacts out, I am a lost soul. I just gaze off in the darkness waiting for the next "event" they have planned for me. I am pretty sure there are people across the room pointing and laughing at how hilarious and lost I look.

But I would never know.

Now, let me start with sharing a story from two years ago at the eye doctor. One of the girls that worked there was sitting down with me and I was trying on two different pairs of contacts. She gave me the second pair and immediately after I put it in I couldn't see. I panicked and immediately said, "it's like I am seeing twice what I should be!" The lady couldn't figure it out. Finally, I did. I had put the second pair in without taking the first one out. So I was wearing two contacts, therefore actually seeing twice what I should be.

Talk about embarrassing. I've never in my life done that (then again, who would be like, "I can see but lets put another contact in."). But to do it at the eye doctor's office, that might have been a first.

So tonight I was there and the lady put me on a machine. First, I am terrified of the machine that shoots air at your eye. So I sat there blinking about twice every second thinking this might be the machine that does that. She finally realized this and said, "this isn't the one that shoots air at your eye, you can relax."

Thanks. You should probably tell me that every time I am at a machine that doesn't shoot air at my eye.

Unless I am at the one that does. Then lie, especially if you want this done in a timely fashion.

But I went into the room with the eye doctor. One of the first things he says to me is, "well you aren't the person with the worst vision I've seen today." Which I guess was supposed to make me feel better about how blind I am. But instead it made me think, "so since no eye doctor has ever said that to me before, I should assume that I usually am the most blind person they'd seen that day?"

AND...since he even made that comment, I can assume that between me and the other blind guy, that we are at the top of a very short list of "the worst vision patients" this doctor has. We might even be the top two, and just so happened to have come in the same day!

How sad for my eyes. Never knew I was the most blind person the eye doctor's see on a typical day.

One of the things that racks my nerves to no end about the eye doctor is the part where they ask you if it's "better here or here." My eye doctor actually does this pretty well (it's not always 1 or 2, he goes to 10 then goes to letters. I like the variety.), it's just that I take it too seriously. This is my vision at stake. I often ask for repeats until he reminds me that I can just say that they look the same. I often think, "what if he's making me go in circles just to see if I really know what I'm talking about?" Like this is some psychological exam to see if I am crazy and just say whatever to just get an answer out. And what if he is going in repeats and I am constantly coming up with different answers? All of these type scenarios keep going through my head the entire time and make me nearly go crazy. As you can see, I take that exam WAY TOO SERIOUS...OBVIOUSLY.

So we get to the portion where they dilate your eyes. In the history of my eye exams, I have had my eyes dilated, I think, twice. The only reason being, every eye doctor looks at my eyes and says, "you have the biggest pupils I've ever seen! Do you have night vision?"

Maybe. But I can't see the big "E," so I can't see any of the stuff whether its night or day anyways, so I wouldn't really know.

But I'm not going to lie, I take not having to get those drops as a personal success. It's the one thing my eye's have going for them! Big pupils!

(In actuality, I don't think there is any actual gain to this. But I like to imagine there is.)

As he did the test, he was putting his hands in different places and instructing me to look in those directions. At one point, he told me three times in a row to look at his hand. And I was. Then he was like, "my other hand that I am waving." But he added, "I know you can't see that well."

Well maybe you shouldn't wear a shirt that is the same color as your skin. Especially on the day you see the two most blind people you have. We have little to go by as it is. And when you wave any color in front of the same color, we can't see it!

If it wasn't for the existence of dentists, I am pretty sure I would deem the eye doctor as the "King of Cruel and Unusual Punishment." Though, I don't embarrass myself at the dentist office. It is just cruel the actual physical torture they put you through there. But the dentist's office rant is something I will have to share with you another day...